Dear Sweet Ian,
It occurred to me this morning that our relationship may need some work. Actually, my real thought was, "If this kiddo was someone I was dating, then this relationship would have been doomed from the start." You see, Little Bear, you currently have some habits and quirks that, until we get you grown up and grown out of them, would basically make you un-date-able for someone like me.
For example, Darling Son, you are whiney and clingy. Any girl in their right mind would run away very fast from a guy that feels the need to be touching you every minute he is awake. You crawl on my lap without asking, demand to be held whenever I am in the middle of a task and occasionally feel the need to pull the elastic neckline of my shirt in Walmart so that I expose myself to the general population. And let's not forget the whiney way you speak to me when you're tired or needing something to which I have already said no.
On top of that, you tend to be quite demanding. You have little patience, and apparently I just don't move fast enough for you. Then there's the concept of taking turns; that apparently doesn't exists in your little self-centered world. That's something you're just going to have to get over, Son, if you want to be successful in dating and marriage. Girls don't like boys that must have their needs met in such a demanding fashion. You're going to need to learn to help yourself and be a little more flexible.
Finally, there's your lack of respect for my space, be it personal or physical. On the personal side, we've already discussed the clinginess, but then there's the invasion of privacy while I take a shower or use the bathroom. I understand wanting to be close, but there is a such thing as TOO close. While eating, reading or paying bills or whatnot, I would appreciate being the only person sitting in my chair. And while attending to personal business, I would rather not have an audience. On the physical side, you need to gain an appreciation for my space. I worked hard to make this house a home, and in a matter of minutes, you can turn it into ground zero after a tornado outbreak. Laundry, shoes, toys and various other Ian detritus cover my house, and let me tell you, no woman will tolerate a man that makes and leaves messes everywhere.
The fortunate thing, Ian, is that you have time to grow out of these little fits of Toddlerhood. I am sad to report that I already know fully grown-up men who still have these issues, so you are already ahead of the curve since we are working on your problems. Daddy and I want you to be a well-mannered, polite and respectful young man, so we are helping to guide you out of this rough patch known as Two, and you are learning by leaps and bounds. Already you clear your place at the table and push your chair in, say excuse me after your various bodily noises, cover your mouth when you sneeze and cough and occasionally help pick up some of your messes. We're still working on that one.
This isn't an easy battle, that's for sure. You want to hold on to those bad habits with all your strength, and I totally understand why: the world is an awesome place when people move Heaven and Earth to make you happy and treat you like that sun shines because you wake up in the morning. But, there are few girls that will tolerate this sort of Sun God personality, so there you have it. This has been your dose of reality and relationship therapy, and with that, I guess it's back to work for me as I try to mold you into someone that others will love and respect. Since you're our Bear, Daddy and I love you already, but one of these days, we will want you to get married and move out.
Love always and through everything,